just like starting over

every time i tell someone that photography is my only job, they give me praise for “making my own business” or something along the lines. they imply that because i work for myself that i’ve “made it”. i oblige & agree with their sentiment. because shouldn’t i take pride in what i’ve accomplished?

i think about Sebastian from “La La Land”. he speaks with a rich passion about something he loves so very deeply. the part in the film when Sebastian reluctantly agrees to become a touring musician encapsulates how i feel about where i am in my career & my life.

i think about moments where i speak passionately about the things i want to do or the things i can’t change. and i know why. i have an internal conflict that’s been ruminating for years now. who i am vs who i want to be. i’ve sat down many times and tried to write it all out; plan and strategize what i want to do moving forward. but it doesn’t matter how many different solutions or plans i come up with, nothing matters if i continue to let fear stand in the way of progress.

i wrote those words at 4am during a long drive out to Connecticut 4 days ago. it’s hard to summarize the multitude of thoughts i’ve had since then; most were repeats of past wishes, some refreshingly optimistic. i thought i wanted to make a declarative statement about the steps i’ve taken, but i don’t really want to do anything except enjoy the views atop the mountain i’ve been struggling to climb.

here are some photos i've taken along the way.