Jake Weber

Journal

Chapter 13

I came to this Starbucks to work because I didn’t want to be at home for some reason. Mainly I wanted the iced coffee. But about an hour ago I woke up from a 2-hour nap drained of all energy.

I got on the highway right into 5 o’clock traffic. I felt patient. I wasn’t in a rush. But I made a last minute decision to go to the Starbucks on Airport highway instead of Sip coffee on Central because I didn’t want to wait in traffic anymore. Which is fine. I didn’t need to drive all the way to Sip.

I turn on Do Not Disturb a lot more often now. I feel very sensitive to notifications lately. The constant distraction. The anxiety. The quick dashing of my eyeballs from the thing I’m focusing on to the thing that’s rude enough to interrupt me. I no longer respond or open to all text messages. I learned that I am not totally obligated to respond to anyone. I am not a communications machine. I am allowed to tune out and focus on whatever I need to at the moment.

In my ever persistent quest to simplify my life I am forever faced with the challenge of Having What I Need vs What I Want. I need a powerful laptop to edit photos and videos, but I want to have a small portable machine that’s flexible and minimal. In the long run I don’t want to need this machine. Is that confusing? This is my personality. I don’t want to use this gaming mouse to edit faster. I don’t want to use a mouse, because it’s simpler. It makes life much easier to use the mouse. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to own 30 hard drives. I would rather own one. But it’s impossible for me to own one. I want to own one pair of everything. But it’s impossible. I want to live simply. Minimally. I need that more than a successful career. Every day I come up with a new scheme or idea to fall into while my dream life forever evades me.

How do I make enough money to sustain the life I want to live? How do I break away from what I’ve grown to know? Is it possible? Would it be fulfilling? I’ll always have a fear of missing out when it comes to success and relevancy in the world.